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There are a lot of stereotypes about the Hmong people out there. Ignorant people tend to believe in them and it creates misunderstandings. So this article will be dedicated to breaking those stereotypes and explaining them in deeper depth.

  1. Teenage Hmong girls get pregnant a lot. It is as inaccurate statement because pregnant teens range from all kinds of race. But it used to be more common and accepted when the Hmong immigrated to the U.S. because young marriage was common in Laos. It’s a cultural thing since Hmong people did not expect to live long in those days. It’s less common in present day since the younger Hmong generations are learning about sex in schools and using protections.
  2. The Hmong people are an unknown race. The Hmong have their own culture and people just like any other group of people. Many of it’s original language, writings, history, and culture was lost due to many wars that occurred with different Chinese rulers. The Hmong population is believed to originated in China, but they eventually move out of their home country and towards Southeast Asia to escape political conflicts. As a result, they ended up settling in parts of Southeast Asian countries like Laos, Thailand, Vietnam, and more.
  3. Hmong people are in gangs. To be precise, it was more common back then because they were a new minority in the U.S. and needed in some ways to be united against others. Although it is less popular now for Hmong people to be involved in gangs since it’s dangerous, gangs still do exists. It shouldn’t be assumed that most Hmong people are involved in gangs because it’s not true.
  4. The Hmong people are uneducated. Another broad statement that is implied on Hmong people as a whole. The Hmong people are originally farmers who made a living off the land and their produces. Most of those knowledge are focused on farming and there really isn’t a need to be educated when most Hmong people lived in the countryside of Laos. Therefore, it takes a longer time for the Hmong people to adapt and adjust to the U.S. It is easier for the younger generation since they are born in the U.S. and go to English speaking schools, but the older generation don’t have those opportunities. It’s not that the Hmong people are uneducated, but limited to how far they can continue their education with legitimate reasons just like any other people.
  5. Hmong families live in one house and cannot afford to live in another house. If you’re struggling to make ends meet, it is wise to save money by living with your family/parents. It is true for all beginning families who can’t rent/buy a home yet. It doesn’t imply that the Hmong people are poor or anything. It is a financial strategy. The Hmong people don’t see living with their relatives as an issue and they don’t practice trying to force their children out early either. The Hmong culture value family over space and money. It is not seen as an awful burden like how the American culture perceives it.
  6. Many Hmong families live on welfare. Anyone who is in the lower class tends to rely on government welfare more. Not all Hmong families rely on government help and for those who do, they most likely do need it. It is not like Hmong people or anyone ethnic group don’t pay taxes either because they do.

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“Diversity in the world is a basic characteristic of human society, and also the key condition for a lively and dynamic world as we see today.”

- Jinato Hu



People of different race, language, cultures, and heritage all carry different things that may not seem similar to what other groups may have. It is up to the citizens/people/society/everyone to be able to cope with the differences, diversity, and be responsible to understand one another. Although there are some agreements or disagreement on certain perspectives, norms, and cultures, we can’t expect peace with each other without putting aside our differences. It’s not about which group is better or one is worse, but allowing people to be together in harmony for the sake that we all want to live in the same world.

To being with, if everyone was taught from a young age to accept that there other groups out there and being able to be surrounded by them, then we would grow up accepting that fact. But not everyone is like due to their own reasons. What we should not do is use religions, traditions, power, norms, or any stubborn reasonings to cut off from other groups. Why? Probably because the world is full of all kinds of people and not everyone is going to fulfill those expectations. If more people are able to be the bigger person and properly act like an adult, then we would not have to worry as much about bringing harm to other innocent lives and the environment.

One of the reasons that people may do what they think is “right” is because of religion, cultural practices, and traditions. There are a lot of wrong traditions that should not practice anymore due to the fact that it is either life threatening, discriminating, racist, or wrong to commit on any human being. Arguably, those kinds of traditions that were developed more than decades ago should not be put into use of the future generations. It is not changing or ruining the culture, instead it is letting the future generation adapt better into it.

But not everyone is like that because sometimes it is influenced by how society presents them. Back then, society did not care about finding the correct and reliable information because they did not know much. Nowadays, it is changing, but popular stereotypes still lingers. What some people don’t realize is that although some people tolerate stereotypes, some people find it offensive and rather disrespectful. It is best not to assume how a group or person is going to be like due to how society presents them because they are individuals who may think differently of themselves.

Basically, there are a lot of things that all cultures and societies need to let go because we can’t find peace with another group if there are already wrongs doing within your own group. For example, no one should be forced to get marry from such a young age because he/she is not an adult who have not experience the real world and understand his/her own position of who, and what she/he wants to be. This applies to many cultures that still practices this. It is not attacking the cultures, but it’s pointing out the wrong doing that is committed towards children. Another example is that being a hermaphrodite, bisexual, gay, or lesbian is wrong, which does not matter unless you are that person. Part of having freedom is being able to chose how you live and who you want to be. It’s not about what your friends/family/society think is right because it doesn’t mean they are right and should chose how you can live.

Of course, our society will never be able to reach 100% peace with so many different kinds of people. Stereotypes, discriminations, and other degrading presentations of a cultural group will always exist. People are not naturally racist, rather just uneducated or ignorant of certain groups. Really, it’s up for them to be able to find the correct information, then understand, and know the truth so that they won’t judge others incorrectly. There will be some things that will separates people because of the way we grow and what and who we learn it from.

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I am “Long Khang”

I am 15

I am male

I am egg roll

I am

I am water

I am Hmong


I am all music

I am “Lee Thao”

I am Hmong

I am fourteen

I am a female

I am shopoholic

I am from St.Paul

I am Lee Thao

I am “Macy Her”

I am female

I am chicken noodle soup

I am married

I am orange juice

I am Hmong

I am white bear lake

I am Minnesota

I am any music

I am hmong clothing

I am white hmong

I am Macy Her

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I am “Amalitha Lee”

I am 16

I am female, girl

I am food-anything

I am Christian

I am water

I am Asian Hmong American

I am Minnesota, cottage grove

I am music-Korean, Chinese, Japanese, hip-hop, R & B, anything

I am “Lalee Yang’

I am 14

I am male

I am noodle

I am pop

I am Asian Hmong

I am Minnesota

I am videogame lover or freak

I am “Shellue Yang”

I am 16

I am female

I am Sheelue Yang

I am October 8th, 1990

I am 17 hours of sleep Saturdays, and Sundays

I am hmong yaj

I am an American

I am homework, reading, and writing.

I am “Pazong Vue”

I am 15 year old, hmong.

A hmong girl who likes live in Andover and be grape juice.

She also loves life & live with love

Yeah… I am PaZong.

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I am “Tom Xiong”

I am 15 years old

I am the man

I like to eat Chinese food

I am 130 pounds

I am born in Minnesota

I am a chess player

I like girls

I like food

I live in Little Canada

I am Asian American

I drink pink lemonade

I am single and not dating

I listen to R&B, rock and hip-hop

I am a sophomore

My school is Roseville High School

I like to play vide games

I am “Kalia Yang”

I am 15 years old

I am rice

I am big family

I am water

I am Hmong

I am North Carolina

I am all kinds of music

I am Hmong white

I am talkative

I am Kalia

I am “Shell”

I am 14

I am un chica

I am ice cream

I am hmong dawb

I am H2O

I am hmong

I am Minnesota

I am music

I am Shell

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I am “Rod Kong”

I am 17

I am Man

I eat friend rice with chicken

I am Cambodian

I drink pop

I am Asian

I live in St.Louis Park, MN

I listen for all kinds of music

I love sports

I play soccer

I love food

I was born in Cambodia

I play video games

I am “Leila Ly”

I am 12

I am female

I am sticky rice

I am soda

I am Hmong

I am Minnesota

I am “Janelle Nero”

I am 17 yr.old

I am female

I love fried chicken

I am of a family 3 to groups

I drink orange juice

I am of African decent

I am black

I am milk

I live in Columbia Heights

I am a teacher

I am a thinker

I listen to hip-hop

I am a talker

I am multi-talented

I know multi-languages

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We’re Humans Too…

Everywhere I go…everywhere I look…it always got to be only one race in every single group…that’s why there’s a lot of hate in this world…no love will never be shown…you’ll never find peace…in this world…never see any other race helping other race…always got to choose one…join the fight…or don’t fight and you’re not consider as one no more…it’s always like that with everything…race…family…friends…team…and the rest of the so call group…every one should know about it in realty…white on one side…black on the other side…Asian on this side…and the rest on some other side…being races…being prejudice…I know we’re not like that…the one…that do act like that…are only the spoil brat…thinking that they’re all that…but they don’t know…how other race go…thinking that we can’t stand up to them…doesn’t mean anything…because we keep it cool…until the right time…even though there’s a lot of different races…it don’t mean that we could hate them for having different skin colors…you should help them instead…because they’re humans…just like you…

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The Ride

August Heggestad

As I go, advancing through the night,
I will gallop, I will trot, I will ride,
Jumping up, like a baby bird, attempting flight,
Leaping over rocks and broken trees on their side,

The ground, black, and the heavens, ablaze,
The war above raging with an inner fire,
My heart too fast a rhythm, my feet, crazed,
The evil behind me, pushing me higher,

The burning forest a sight to see,
I fear the thing that all things dread,
But with the fire almost catching me,
And the thing behind me that wants my head,

My efforts never good enough,
No time to say I’ve had it rough.


Dennis Vang

I am god

I take a life, I create a life

I’m skilled, I’m wise

I’m you, I’m me

I’m nothing, I exist with no purpose

I’m evil, I’m good

I live in the shadows, I live in the light

I’m justice, I’m crime

I control time, I stop space

I am realty, I am fantasy

I am the devil

I am chaos.

Why Should I Remember

Paris Carruthers

Why should I remember?

Memories from the past

They are long forgotten

For reasons, do not ask

They are ships, drowned and forgotten

Pain drowned in the sea

I’m an explosion waiting to happen

I am the pain in me

No more do I try to fight it

This pain is here to stay

Just hide it and deny it

Yet it grows stronger everyday

Lock it up, throw away the key

I am my pain and it is me.

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My Story

My first memory was probably when I was in Texas at my dad’s house and I was about four or five years old. We just got back from getting my new Fila’s (tennis shoes).We were just hanging out at his house and he asked me what I wanted to eat and I said waffles and candy.  I thought he would say no right away, but I guess since I didn’t see him that often he said yeah to be nice.  I walked to the window and looked out.  Then I noticed the pretty view from up above.  I began to yell, “MOM! MOM!” out of the window.  After I was done my dad asked me if I wanted to go home and I said no. I’m not really sure what happened after.

My most memorable birthday was in seventh grade on March 5th.  It was the last day of traveling basketball and our championship game against Jordan.  Our game was in Savage, Minnesota.  I woke up to my teammates in my house, waking me.  They made me breakfast in bed.  My parents were at work and told me they couldn’t make my championship game.  I was kind of sad about it but at the same time I was still happy because it was my birthday.  Then it was time for the game and I was just in the zone like no other.  I scored 16 points that game and we won 33 to 29.  We celebrated after by taking silly string and spraying it at the coaches and me.  It turned out that my parents were at my game the whole time as a surprise.  We went to Red Lobster all together and had cake.  Then I got an iPod video which I’ve always wanted back then.  I got other things too.

My weekend was really good. On Friday I hung out with friends and we were talking about the party that was going to be on Saturday.  At the party everyone was just having fun and a good time.  There was alcohol, but no one was drinking.  That night my friend’s neighbor called the cops on us because I guess we were being too loud. The cops showed up and crashed everything.  The cops saw alcohol in the fridge and decided to give us breathalyzers because they thought we were drinking. Not too long before the cops showed up I just put some minty gum in my mouth, which makes you blow higher when you’re doing a breathalyzer even though you’re not drinking at all.  By the end of that night I got a minor and had to go to court.  The outcome of it all is that I got grounded and it shows up on my record.

I started playing basketball when I was a little kid but started playing on an actual team when I was in second grade.  I love it more then anything.  It was the greatest thing in the world to me when I was a kid and still is.  I enjoy being with friends and just learning new things about the game of basketball.  Currently I am a starting point guard on the varsity squad since freshman year.  I enjoy it a lot.  In the future I hope to pursue basketball in college. I am planning on attending the University of Tennessee.  They are the current state champs for women’s college basketball and have been for a while.  I plan on meeting their coach because I have read about her and she is one of the top coaches in women’s college basketball.

My friends and family mean the world to me!  I have two brothers and two sisters and I am the middle child.  My youngest brother is two, my youngest sister is nine, then there is me.  My older sister is nineteen and my oldest brother is twenty-six.  My mom is from Sacramento, California and my dad was born in Congo, Kinshishia.  Out of 100% they are about 85% of my life.  Without them I don’t know what I’d do.  I enjoy sharing good times with them and making new memories.  Without my family and friends I wouldn’t have anyone to talk to about certain things or share personal things with.  I cherish every moment I am with them.  I am also up for meeting tons of new people and having plenty of fun!

I love traveling all over! I enjoy it so much because you’re not in your normal boring state.   You get to see and visit things you don’t see everyday.  I’ve been to 32 states so far in my life.  I was born in Houston, Texas and I’ve visited all of the states down south.  I love being down south because it’s always hot and they have extremely good food.  Also I enjoy their southern accents and their southern hospitality.  My other favorite place to go is to California.  I enjoy going there because I get to see tons of family, shop and I get to go to Eddie Murphy’s mansion.

I wanted to work this summer because I wanted some extra money and learn new experiences.  Something that I like so far is learning new things on the computer and meeting new people.  Also I like being on the computer editing and making slogans. Things that I don’t like are writing and reading.  Things that I learned are improving on my verbal skills and editing skills.

In my future I plan on meeting tons of new people, having my dream job, having fun in college playing basketball, and living with roommates.


My first day going to a new school was ok, but I had to walk to school because it was close. I was starting in third grade and I didn’t know anyone. I made most of my friends when we all went out for recess. At the end of the day I made some friends. Two of my new friends came over to my house. My dad didn’t want us playing in the living room so he told us to go play in the basement. We played fight in the basement my dad told us not to do it. After dad went back up stairs we started play fighting again. Then after a while they went home.

I don’t have a favorite birthday it’s mostly just the same thing, we have cake and sing happy birthday. I remember a birthday, but it wasn’t mine it was my sister Nouqouja’s (Ja) birthday. Why I liked this birthday, because my friends came over. That day my dad was barbecuing some chicken. Later we had some ice-cream but we sat outside. My sister had her friends over too and they were eating inside in the basement.

Both my grandpas are dead. One died before I was born, the other died July 2008.  My dad’s mom also died before I was born. My mom’s mom hates her but doesn’t hate my uncle. Grandma also got married again. I don’t know when, but I know it was before I was born too. My mom works twelve hours then comes home between twelve and three, but stays home on Sundays. So she only gets one day to rest. My sister Ja dances, my little brother Talee plays videogames, but not as much as me though. My younger sisters Maikashia (Shia) and Nkauj Zoo (Pi or Zoo) usually play with each other. Nkauj Zoo’s original name is Nouchi but we changed it. Ja’s birthday is on March nineteenth, Talee and Shia’s are on August eighth, and Zoo’s is on October twenty-fifth.

I think the first time I hit my head was when I was five or four. Then I hit my head again when I was between seven and ten, I was riding my bike around my house and I accidently rode it down the hill in the front lawn then I hit my head. Once or twice I got hit on the head with a hard ball. The rest of the times I just hit my head on tables and on walls. I get headaches sometimes, but not all the time.

I think high school is going to be harder because my friends tell me that it’s harder and you get in trouble if you don’t get in class in time. The classes seem harder but then I can’t remember most of my math, I think they’ll teach it again because it’s been three months since I did any math.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do. I might try to learn how to draw and animate cartoons. Another thing I might do is learn to fix computers and install programs. Or I might just make videogames.

I came to work at AMA because I didn’t want to stay home like every summer. I wanted to learn new things too. It is kind of hard to do the work because I never get it finished. In Kang’s class I learned lighting and what shots are what. In Loretta’s class I read two books and I didn’t finish either of them. Now we are starting drawing class.

One time we went somewhere, it was my grandpa’s place. We were doing this one ritual thing. I kept drinking pop. I drank about three to five drinks, my stomach started hurting. After it was finished we went home. Everyone got in the car and we headed home. We started going and I think I was complaining that my stomach hurt. When we got home and started to go up the stairs to the front door, I threw up on the stairs.

The first funeral that I went to took a while to get there. My dad asked me if I wanted to go since my mom didn’t want to go and I said ok. When we got there I followed my dad into the room that the person that had died was in. There were a lot of people there already. I saw some people I knew, but didn’t say anything. My dad told me to go sit down. We sat next to an uncle. He and my dad were talking. I just looked around. Later my dad asked me if I wanted to go look and I nodded my head. We walk up there to the box I can’t remember what it was called. I remembered that it was covered with glass and I think it was the color gold. I couldn’t see the person because I was too small so I asked my dad to lift me up. I saw the person and I was kind a surprised and creeped out too. After that we went back to the chairs and sat down. I went to go get a drink, and after I finished I drank another one. I was getting sleepy though. I sat down again, but then I put my hand on the back of the chair. It felt sharp but then it felt funny. I looked at my hand and it was cut across all my fingers. I told my dad that I was getting sleepy and he told me that we’d leave in a little bit. I waited a while before asking again and I also told him that my hand was bleeding. So he said good-bye to everyone that was nearby. And we drove home.

I’m not sure what I’m going to do in the future that’s why I’m still thinking about that. I’d just like a decent job and an easy life. I like playing with technical stuff so I might do something in that. But I’m still not sure if I want to do that. I’ll think of something eventually. But first have to finish school then I’ll see what I want to do.


When things got hard, I gave up on trust just like now. My grandfather told me a story of his trust in one girl. My grandfather said she was beautiful and unique from other girls, but then one day when my grandfather wasn’t home, she took all of his money that he was saving for their marriage and ran away to get married to another man. He was so heart broken that he lost trust in everyone. After a few years, being alone hoping she’ll come back, he regains the trust in himself and went to find another that would love him back.

The years went by and the women came and went each time breaking his heart more and more. After a while he left them and decided that he should only trust and care for himself until he found the perfect one. So he played with all these girls and had about two to three girls to marry. He was so happy that he didn’t care about their feelings and broke my grandmother’s heart. He said it was for his own benefit so he would never have to fall back into depression. As the years went by he left all the other women and decided to stick with my grandmother. Years later they had kids, the first was my mom, then my uncle Yang, my uncle Xiong, auntie Bao, uncle Paul, and then auntie Ger.

My grandfather waited until my aunt Ger was 18 and married, to go to Laos to find a second wife. During the trip to Laos he found a second wife and brought her to America. She was expensive and took all the money he had and left. When my grandmother found out she was really heart broken but she still loved him. After he saw that, he knew my grandmother was the one girl who really does love and care for him.

My grandfather told me to love more than one girl and I’ll see one day that one of them will love me in return. I told my grandfather that that wasn’t true. You just can’t give out love and trust to anyone so easily, it takes time. That is just so selfish to play with a girl just to make you happy. I told him that his story will not be repeated by me and he laughed.

My grandfather told me love is a hard thing but seeing someone trapped in love and is suffering in pain is just too sad. If I had loved more than one girl, I wouldn’t have been so depressed and be suffering just for this one girl and this one love. All I could tell him was, I’ll always love this one girl and keep on fighting just for this one love until the day I can’t take any more pain. I know I was foolish but that is something I want to live by.

The very first memory I can think of is how I miss my ex-girlfriend like crazy. Her name is Chue Qa Vang. I miss her warm touches and how she always tried to stay strong. The memories of her will always run through my head, the day where she wore a black happy bunny shirt, sleeveless, blue apple jeans, and her upright glasses. Damn she got me going crazy that day. She told me she wanted to be irresistible so I’ll go crazy for her and I told her I already did.

The moment I can’t get out of my head is when we were on the third floor of our high school during lunch time and she was so happy she was dancing like an angel and while she was spinning.  I caught a glimpse of her smile and that is all I can think of and remember. While she was spinning, the words Aza Aza, fighting, ran through my head and now it hurts a crushing pain, so close to death, but yet still longing for her enough to live on, just so I can be near her and protect her from the pain. Well so here I am now hurting and loving her more than ever. I know now that everything she does work and she will always be right. These tears of mine probably don’t mean anything anymore but the pain of dying for love is what is happening to me and it hurts more than anything else I have experience and I will NOT GIVE UP!!! I’ll try to reach my dreams because it’s the closest thing I have to living.

My birthday is like a forgotten memory. All it is pain, suffering, and misery. When I think about this, it hurts me more than ever. Sometime I even feel like falling down and crying. These memories of birthdays are just pain.

My first date is with girl name Qhi.  We went to this Chinese place for dinner. She looked so fine, but I knew that I didn’t have feelings for her so it was kind of sad. I knew it was bad to play with people so felt like I wasting her time. She was pretty, quiet, and shy. After we ordered, I started complimenting her and she was like smiling and laughing and dang she was just so damn cute. Especially when she tried to give me a kiss, she gave me those puppy eyes and those cute little puppy lips and I gave her pep kiss on the cheeks. She was a little disappointed, but a pep kiss was better than nothing. When the food came she tried to play cute by feeding me. I was laughing my butt off, but I was like hey I might as well play along since she’s acting so damn cute. After dinner I took her home. I took her to her doorstep and she was expecting a kiss, I laughed and kissed her on the her forehead  and her father came out snapping saying how I was in big trouble for taking his daughter out and it was just fun. I ran and dip but fun is still fun.

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McCain Introduces New Immigration Bill

Written by Doug Burrell

Due to his rapidly deteriorating poll numbers among conservatives, John McCain introduced a new bill on the Senate floor today.

Political observers have blamed McCain’s recent slide on his involvement with the immigration bill that failed to pass through the Senate last week. Critics called the bill an “amnesty bill”. With his new proposal, McCain hopes to regain the support of the conservatives he lost.

McCain’s ten point plan, which Democrats are calling “incredibly, mind-bogglingly racist” calls for the following:

All Hispanic workers to be paid in pesos.

Change the name of Taco Bell to Liberty Bell

Upgrade border patrol vehicles so that they will be fast enough to catch Speedy Gonzalez

Build a wall that not even David Copperfield can walk through.

Make sign that reads, “All incoming immigrants must be 5 foot tall to enter America, thereby disqualifying 75% of all Hispanic people”.

Provide complimentary stay for all immigrants at the Hanoi Hilton.

Require all immigrants to not only speak English, but think in English, too.

Put signs near the border that say, “America that way”, but point the arrow in the wrong direction.

Bomb, bomb, bomb…bomb, bomb Iran… (McCain sang this proposal.)

Deport all persons with “foreign last names, like Obama or Giuliani.”

McCain commented, “Well, shucks. Being controversial got Ron Paul to where he is. I just thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and get a piece of the action myself.”

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Congress Reforms Illegal Immigration!

Written by Andrew Lawrence

(Washington) – Following on the heels of the monumental failure of Congress to pass any illegal immigration reform, The U.S. Congress and executive branch yesterday decided instead to rename the problem and make believe it doesn’t exist.

Under the new guideline, the federal government and its agencies will stop using the term “illegal immigration” and start calling it “population migration”.

Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, issued the statement, “That was easy. Now, illegal immigration no longer exists and, therefore, is no longer a problem for the United States. And, as a liberal Democrat, I am in favor of population migration”.

In rebuttal, A spokesperson for the think tank, “Get Real, Washington”, stated, “Call it whatever you want, it’s still illegal immigration. And illegal immigration is still i-l-l-e-g-a-l. As for Nancy Pelosi and liberal Democrats, poverty and crime does not “migrate” to their high-rent neighborhoods!”

An un-named high ranking source in the Mexican government was quick to comment on the proposed change stating, “We want to thank Congress for once again doing nothing about illegal immigration into the United States. We like the new idea of calling it something else and pretending it no longer exists. That way, we can easily dump another 10 million of our poor, uneducated, undocumented “migrators” into the U.S.”

copyright 2007 Andrew Lawrence

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Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexican Border With Pure Beef

November 12, 1996 | Issue 30•14

EL PASO, TX—In an effort to beef up security measures along the U.S.-Mexican border, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service announced Monday that the border will soon be fortified with 1,200 miles of pure beef.

Enlarge Image

A Mexican attempts to jump over the 15-foot-high wall of beef guarding the U.S. border. Minutes after this photo was taken, the man was captured and returned to Mexico, unsuccessful but fully satiated.

“America has drawn a line in the sand,” INS official Frank Wilhelm said. “And that line is made of meat.”

According to Wilhelm, the immense, 15-foot-high wall of pure beef, which will extend from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico along the Rio Grande, will make border crossing all but impossible.

“This beef will be cooked sizzling hot, so hot that it will be extremely painful to climb over,” said INS chief Kent Roker. “And even if a Mexican does get across, they will be so full that they won’t run far.”

Just this morning, Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, resident Jorge Gutierrez, 43, a poor, unskilled laborer who had managed to successfully climb over the beef barrier, was found by Texas state troopers sitting by the side of the road, holding his belly, picking his teeth, and moaning, “Aye, caramba, am I stuffed!”

Border Patrol authorities described Gutierrez’s condition as “full,” adding that the would-be immigrant did not run or hide when spotted, due to sleepiness and lethargy induced by consumption of enormous quantities of beef.

Gutierrez was treated at nearby Santa Maria Hospital for indigestion and extensive second-degree grease burns; given new clothes; and then turned over to INS authorities for deportation.

Those who, unlike Gutierrez, do manage to escape are “easily tracked” by INS dog teams, specially trained to follow the scent of the spicy, mouth-watering seasonings the federal government stirs into the sizzling hot beef wall twice daily.

“This is real beef, for real Americans,” INS official Ted Stake said. “Most of your foreigner types just don’t have the stomach for that much hearty, lip-smacking meat, living as they do on subsistence diets of tortillas and beans.”

Though the beef wall already has had an enormous effect, reducing the number of illegal entries to the U.S. by 35 percent over the last week alone, the project has not been without its costs.

“The harsh climate of the Southwestern U.S. is largely inhospitable to perishables such as the grease-slathered mounds of meat used in the beef shield,” said Department of Agriculture Undersecretary Joseph Timmins. “Temperatures along the Rio Grande can reach 110 degrees in the shade on a typical afternoon, and for an operation like this, that means one thing: spoilage.”

At present, the U.S. is spending over $22 billion per week to deliver massive rail shipments of fresh beef to the border three times a day. Budget constraints have necessitated the elimination of a planned $75 trillion grease trap to catch the runoff from the beef barrier’s massive hot plate base. Currently, every 60 seconds, 300 tons of congealed grease are dumped directly into the Rio Grande, with environmental damage in the last week alone estimated at $759 billion.

“That much beef is a tall order,” Timmins said. “But that’s how we do things here in the good old U.S. of A.— big, meaty and ready to take on even the hungriest of hombres. So bring it on, illegal aliens: Let’s just see if you’ve got the stomach to take on this much hot American beef.”

Timmins concluded his remarks by holding up a forkful of ground beef, placing it next to his mouth, and smiling directly at the asssembled press, saying: “Mmm… beef!”

Thursday, November 10, 2005

U.S. Immigration Fence?

Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What do you think?

Joan Novak,

Postal Clerk

“Can it be a 2,000-mile-long picket fence? That would at least look nice and seem neighborly.”

Luke Hurley,

Tree Surgeon

“Building a fence along the border is a great way to keep fat, out-of-shape Mexicans out of our country.”

Curtis Boyd,

Fire Marshall

“$8 billion?! I know some day laborers that could put up that fence for under 60 bucks as long as you don’t tell them what it’s for.”

Canadian Immigration Under Fire

December 29, 2004 | Issue 40•52

Canada’s relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?

Iris Murphy,


“I am suddenly very suspicious of my next-door neighbor, Khalid al-McKenzie.”

Louis Chamblis,

Systems Analyst

“Why would terrorists need to go through Canada to get to the U.S.? It’s not like the FBI would catch them if they came straight here.”

Bill Hrabosky,


“As a radical Islamic fundamentalist, I am seriously considering moving to Vancouver. It’s sooo gorgeous there.”

Michael Horner,

Civic Planner

“Canada needs to start doing a better job of racial-profiling non-Inuits.”

Don Nahorodny,

Forklift Operator

“My God, we could go to war with Canada over this. I only pray there’s an army platoon with the afternoon free.”

Penny Niekro,


“See, I told you socialized medicine doesn’t work.”

Thursday, September 7, 2006

Immigration Rallies Smaller

Labor Day immigration rallies drew fewer numbers than the marches held from earlier this year. What do you think?

Dave McTeague,

Laboratory Technician

“If it’s true that these illegal immigrants are too lazy to fight for their rights, then that just proves how American they truly are.”

Warren Haggerty,


“Just goes to show you, the rights of immigrants will always come in a distant second when going head-to-head with a nice plate of potato salad.”

Angela Ronis,


“Well, there you have it. Sometimes these issues just find ways of working themselves out.”

More American Voices

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