McCain Introduces New Immigration Bill
Written by Doug Burrell
Due to his rapidly deteriorating poll numbers among conservatives, John McCain introduced a new bill on the Senate floor today.
Political observers have blamed McCain’s recent slide on his involvement with the immigration bill that failed to pass through the Senate last week. Critics called the bill an “amnesty bill”. With his new proposal, McCain hopes to regain the support of the conservatives he lost.
McCain’s ten point plan, which Democrats are calling “incredibly, mind-bogglingly racist” calls for the following:
All Hispanic workers to be paid in pesos.
Change the name of Taco Bell to Liberty Bell
Upgrade border patrol vehicles so that they will be fast enough to catch Speedy Gonzalez
Build a wall that not even David Copperfield can walk through.
Make sign that reads, “All incoming immigrants must be 5 foot tall to enter America, thereby disqualifying 75% of all Hispanic people”.
Provide complimentary stay for all immigrants at the Hanoi Hilton.
Require all immigrants to not only speak English, but think in English, too.
Put signs near the border that say, “America that way”, but point the arrow in the wrong direction.
Bomb, bomb, bomb…bomb, bomb Iran… (McCain sang this proposal.)
Deport all persons with “foreign last names, like Obama or Giuliani.”
McCain commented, “Well, shucks. Being controversial got Ron Paul to where he is. I just thought I’d jump on the bandwagon and get a piece of the action myself.”
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Congress Reforms Illegal Immigration!
Written by Andrew Lawrence
(Washington) – Following on the heels of the monumental failure of Congress to pass any illegal immigration reform, The U.S. Congress and executive branch yesterday decided instead to rename the problem and make believe it doesn’t exist.
Under the new guideline, the federal government and its agencies will stop using the term “illegal immigration” and start calling it “population migration”.
Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi, issued the statement, “That was easy. Now, illegal immigration no longer exists and, therefore, is no longer a problem for the United States. And, as a liberal Democrat, I am in favor of population migration”.
In rebuttal, A spokesperson for the think tank, “Get Real, Washington”, stated, “Call it whatever you want, it’s still illegal immigration. And illegal immigration is still i-l-l-e-g-a-l. As for Nancy Pelosi and liberal Democrats, poverty and crime does not “migrate” to their high-rent neighborhoods!”
An un-named high ranking source in the Mexican government was quick to comment on the proposed change stating, “We want to thank Congress for once again doing nothing about illegal immigration into the United States. We like the new idea of calling it something else and pretending it no longer exists. That way, we can easily dump another 10 million of our poor, uneducated, undocumented “migrators” into the U.S.”
copyright 2007 Andrew Lawrence
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Immigration Officials Beef Up U.S.-Mexican Border With Pure Beef
November 12, 1996 | Issue 30•14
EL PASO, TX—In an effort to beef up security measures along the U.S.-Mexican border, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service announced Monday that the border will soon be fortified with 1,200 miles of pure beef.
A Mexican attempts to jump over the 15-foot-high wall of beef guarding the U.S. border. Minutes after this photo was taken, the man was captured and returned to Mexico, unsuccessful but fully satiated.
“America has drawn a line in the sand,” INS official Frank Wilhelm said. “And that line is made of meat.”
According to Wilhelm, the immense, 15-foot-high wall of pure beef, which will extend from the Pacific to the Gulf of Mexico along the Rio Grande, will make border crossing all but impossible.
“This beef will be cooked sizzling hot, so hot that it will be extremely painful to climb over,” said INS chief Kent Roker. “And even if a Mexican does get across, they will be so full that they won’t run far.”
Just this morning, Ciudad Juárez, Mexico, resident Jorge Gutierrez, 43, a poor, unskilled laborer who had managed to successfully climb over the beef barrier, was found by Texas state troopers sitting by the side of the road, holding his belly, picking his teeth, and moaning, “Aye, caramba, am I stuffed!”
Border Patrol authorities described Gutierrez’s condition as “full,” adding that the would-be immigrant did not run or hide when spotted, due to sleepiness and lethargy induced by consumption of enormous quantities of beef.
Gutierrez was treated at nearby Santa Maria Hospital for indigestion and extensive second-degree grease burns; given new clothes; and then turned over to INS authorities for deportation.
Those who, unlike Gutierrez, do manage to escape are “easily tracked” by INS dog teams, specially trained to follow the scent of the spicy, mouth-watering seasonings the federal government stirs into the sizzling hot beef wall twice daily.
“This is real beef, for real Americans,” INS official Ted Stake said. “Most of your foreigner types just don’t have the stomach for that much hearty, lip-smacking meat, living as they do on subsistence diets of tortillas and beans.”
Though the beef wall already has had an enormous effect, reducing the number of illegal entries to the U.S. by 35 percent over the last week alone, the project has not been without its costs.
“The harsh climate of the Southwestern U.S. is largely inhospitable to perishables such as the grease-slathered mounds of meat used in the beef shield,” said Department of Agriculture Undersecretary Joseph Timmins. “Temperatures along the Rio Grande can reach 110 degrees in the shade on a typical afternoon, and for an operation like this, that means one thing: spoilage.”
At present, the U.S. is spending over $22 billion per week to deliver massive rail shipments of fresh beef to the border three times a day. Budget constraints have necessitated the elimination of a planned $75 trillion grease trap to catch the runoff from the beef barrier’s massive hot plate base. Currently, every 60 seconds, 300 tons of congealed grease are dumped directly into the Rio Grande, with environmental damage in the last week alone estimated at $759 billion.
“That much beef is a tall order,” Timmins said. “But that’s how we do things here in the good old U.S. of A.— big, meaty and ready to take on even the hungriest of hombres. So bring it on, illegal aliens: Let’s just see if you’ve got the stomach to take on this much hot American beef.”
Timmins concluded his remarks by holding up a forkful of ground beef, placing it next to his mouth, and smiling directly at the asssembled press, saying: “Mmm… beef!”
Thursday, November 10, 2005
U.S. Immigration Fence?
Rep. Duncan Hunter (R-CA) proposed legislation that would call for the creation of an $8 billion, 2,000-mile fence on the U.S.-Mexico border. What do you think?
“Can it be a 2,000-mile-long picket fence? That would at least look nice and seem neighborly.”
“Building a fence along the border is a great way to keep fat, out-of-shape Mexicans out of our country.”
“$8 billion?! I know some day laborers that could put up that fence for under 60 bucks as long as you don’t tell them what it’s for.”
Canadian Immigration Under Fire
December 29, 2004 | Issue 40•52
Canada’s relatively lax immigration policy has drawn criticism from U.S. leaders, who say the country provides an easy home base for terrorists. What do you think?
“I am suddenly very suspicious of my next-door neighbor, Khalid al-McKenzie.”
“Why would terrorists need to go through Canada to get to the U.S.? It’s not like the FBI would catch them if they came straight here.”
“As a radical Islamic fundamentalist, I am seriously considering moving to Vancouver. It’s sooo gorgeous there.”
“Canada needs to start doing a better job of racial-profiling non-Inuits.”
“My God, we could go to war with Canada over this. I only pray there’s an army platoon with the afternoon free.”
“See, I told you socialized medicine doesn’t work.”
Thursday, September 7, 2006
Immigration Rallies Smaller
Labor Day immigration rallies drew fewer numbers than the marches held from earlier this year. What do you think?
“If it’s true that these illegal immigrants are too lazy to fight for their rights, then that just proves how American they truly are.”
“Just goes to show you, the rights of immigrants will always come in a distant second when going head-to-head with a nice plate of potato salad.”
“Well, there you have it. Sometimes these issues just find ways of working themselves out.”
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